This is meant as tongue in cheek although in fairness…. It may not be as much of a joke as I wish it was, some agencies are actually like this. And you may feel somewhat like Fry in the pic to the left after talking to your AM.

Traffic is up this month = Rankings are down

Rankings are up this month = Traffic is down

Conversions are down this month = The whole campaign is going to shit but this was the smallest dip in numbers

We need to readjust the campaign to target long tail keywords = we’ve gotten you penalised for the heavy hitters/We can’t get you to rank for the “Hollywood terms”

He’s in a meeting right now (more than once in a day) = He can’t be bothered talking to you

The (major event) is impacting your visits = traffic is down and I have no idea why

We have a solution and it’s (very complicated spiel) = We have NO FUCKING CLUE how to fix this

The SEO company before us built some bad links = It was probably us, but we haven’t kept very good records

We need to charge you X more for link removal = We want to charge you X for something that probably won’t help

You’ve got a penguin penalty but we can fix it = YOUR SITE IS SCREWED. MOVE DOMAIN, DON’T REDIRECT AND MOST IMPORTANTLY DON’T SPAM AGAIN

I just read on (any seo blog) = We are not a thought leading agency and are probably 2 months behind at best

We’re very transparent = We won’t show you anything

I’m going to update this as and when I hear other awful industry clichés. Feel free to comment and I’ll add them in to the list with a name of contributor, I should also say thanks to Dave Hellowell from Blueclaw for the idea for this post.